Empathy During the Holidays

The Holidays – most look forward to these family get-togethers, festive music, food, and celebrations. Almost every image that we see is filled with loving, happy, glowing individuals part of a family. However, for those who have lost a family member or a loved one in the past year, this can be one of the most difficult times of the year. The first holidays and/or family gathering without the deceased individual is a new and grueling experience for those that were close to them. It is synonymous to feeling most alone even though the family room is filled with the people. It may not be you who is feeling this, but someone nearby. Although having family around can sometimes create a pleasant distraction, it can also bring back painful reminders and memories of the deceased. So as a family, how do we approach this situation? What do and don’t we say or do?

Most people don’t know what to say when they encounter someone who is suffering. The most common approach to this situation is through sympathy. However, is this the most effective method to manage the elephant in this room? Although sympathy may be appropriate in some situations, it is not best practice overall. The most appropriate way to approach the aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, or anyone else that is grieving through the holidays is with empathy. You might be asking if sympathy and empathy are synonymous? Although they are related to each other, like you and your cousin Beth, they also hold a key difference.

The distinction between empathy and sympathy is that empathy focuses more on the experienced emotion rather than the content. Empathy conveys that the emotions and feelings that the grieving individual is experiencing are being understood and shared by the listener from the other person’s point of you. This is another way to demonstrate that you are observing the world from the other person’s perspective and attempting to feel what the other person feels. Sympathy, on the other hand, exemplifies the concern, sorry, or pity that the listener feels for the person sharing and experiencing the loss, resulting with a shift in focus from the person that is sharing the experience to the listener.

Now that we’ve talked about the logistical differences in the definitions, let’s look at what empathy versus sympathy sound like in the real world. Sympathy-filled responses include: “I’m sorry about ____,” or “I know exactly how you feel,” or “It could be worse,” or “Everything will be okay with time,” or “Try to find the silver lining,” or “That’s unfortunate.” Sure, you may mean well when you say them. However, these statements may cause more harm than good. These phrases and many more like them, belittle the emotions and grief that the individual facing the loss may be facing. It’s like twisting the knife in the heart - this does not help the wound heal. This results with a negative experience, anger, the lack thereof being understood, and a detachment from the situation. When done correctly, empathy will recognize the existing pain that one may be experiencing due to a loss of someone he or she cares deeply about. It provides a small amount of comfort that they are not the only one that remembers. It acknowledges the fact that this family get together and these holidays may not be the same experience nor will they bring the same type of warm feeling as they used to, but instead it may emphasize the loss. Empathy-filled responses include phrases like “I’m here for you. How can I help,” or “I gather that ___,” or “It sounds like ___,” or “You seem ____,” “I’d like to help. Would you like me to ___?” and many others that reflect on the other person’s feelings. These types of response let the other person know that their emotions are acknowledged and their loss is not forgotten.

During this holiday season, make it a mission to approach a family member that lost someone close to them in the past year. Acknowledge their struggle and empathize with their grief. People experiencing grief need to be heard, understood, seen, felt and most importantly, they need to know that they are not alone. The holidays bring with them the spirit of happiness and togetherness. With all this, one must not forget about the internal and sometimes emotional battles that each and every one of us bring as we walk through that door into a family celebration. The holidays tend to be the perfect time to reflect and build those stronger bonds

Happy Holidays! Now, go spread some empathy ~

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Christina Sudyk is a PharmD student in the College of Pharmacy and Co-President of the Interprofessional Health Student Organization. As a future pharmacist who plans to work in a clinical setting, inter-professional treatment teams are the new approach when most effectively treating patients. Learning more about and practicing IPE during her academic years will help Christina build a foundation of skills, knowledge, and understanding to later use in practice. When she is not studying she is running flu clinics, organizing graduate student social opportunities, interning at the hospital, cooking, reading books, dancing and watching TV.